My drifting mind

Im currently having a break from my 4hr study on auditing theory, 3 quizzes have passed and up until this moment im praying that i somehow got an above average score thou i dont expect it. Actually im thinking of her right now, i sometimes see her in the campus, saying hi or hello, smiling for seconds and after she was gone, gone where my smile. ive trying to bring back my not texting days because i think that will make me more ok. actually it's a miracle if she will text me first because since then she doesnt text me and asking me hello how are you. i miss the past and i fear the future.. i fear that i might not make my last year in college memorable, yes im thankful to the lord that i passed my exam and unofficially im now a Certified Accounting Technician and a Registered Cost Accountant, somehow im slowly achieving my goals, i even celebrated with my friends, but the real person who'll make me happy is not with me, i tried to arranged a lunch with her but rejected many times and somehow im tired trying to think of ways just to be with her, up until now we havent had a picture together, i picture that will not change even thou the person in it does, she's my dearest love but i havent had any picture of her, oh crap i must be the worthless lover ever haha i cant even have a picture thou we knew each other for 3 yrs now, ill be the most pitiful guy if up until graduation i dont have a picture with her, i will surely be sad, really really sad, and days are rapidly passing by, two months from now it will gonna be her birthday and im in a confusion on what will i do haha i know ill be happy if i give her a gift but on the other hand ill be sad because i cant pretend that she's just my friend. i know she'll be happy on her day because there will be a lot of gifts coming from her friends and i know they have a bunch of ways to make her day memorable and i know she'll be happy even without my gift. i dont want to make myself a burden from her, she fine now, the picture is already good so i must not meddle with her anymore because i'll just distort it. im empty right now actually, my crush is not adding me to her friends in fb and also she didnt even bother to reply to my text when i was still using my sun sim, that was a great loss haha i thought she was the one because she gave me her number, she was beautiful, was kind but maybe she just dont like me haha. im rejected indirectly again haha. well what's new about it? im been like this since i was on elementary. oh crap. i remeber what i said on my last training seminar "Success is nothing if you dont have someone to hold to at the end of the day and you dont have someone to share your sorrows and happiness" im really sad..

I unintenionally hurt her..

last day when i was in the tabi tabi lang haha. someone with a nice and familiar voice called my name thou i cant pinpoint who she was so i looked where the voice was coming and to my surprise it was her, she tapped me but i snob her and after that she was gone in an instant. i just said to myself that it was the right thing to do. i didnt think of it after a while but when someone told me "why did you snob her?" and then i asked myself why did i do such a thing and after that i checked my screened messages because their was something bothering me and i read a message from her, saying that she was hurt because i didnt talk with her. and then i suddenly felt that it was a bad move since i hurt her but of course i didnt mean that. i felt bad after that so i asked my someone and then she said it was really a bad move, so later that night i texted her saying im sorry i know she was already asleep so the next morning i received a smiley from her, thinking that my sorry was accepted i asked her if it was an acknowledgment of my apology and she said that were not enemies so its ok. after that we have a conversation which i missed for a couple of months, she said that i made her cry, she missed me really lot and somehow i felt again some spark of love in what she said, yes indeed i missed her also, once again i smiled while i was reading books and that feeling was what ive left since i started moving on. actually right now, my head is full of thoughts about her, i dont know if ive move on or not, i dont know, somehow im angry about my barkadas who always make fun of her in a really bad way, somehow i feel like they are not just disrespecting her but it also somehow implies that they do not respect me, i hate that, its really getting on my nerves, its ok if it was just me but they are dragging her name in, im just trying to suppress my anger with them because i dont want to get into trouble but really i hope they stop, they are just too immature and insensitive about the way i feel darn i wish i could throw a punch at them so that they can realize that what they're doing was wrong, just a little more and maybe ill be getting into a fight with them and hopefully ill be expelled into school and then ill ruin my life oh crap. i just pray the lord that he will give me strength and patience with them. ill be having a lunch together with her next week so im really excited hehe :) i dont know if this is wrong or not, ill just maybe go with the flow and let god watch over me.

The start of my last year in college

hi :) its been a while, actually im very busy preparing for the last level of my exam. Actually last night when i was reviewing for my exam, i received a txt message from her, and that message made my tears fall in an instant thou i managed to wipe it away, she told that shes misses me and she will still cheer me up and that she understands why i suddenly vanished in her world...Ive been empty for a while, i can say that i miss the feeling of being attached to her, it's been two months already and still sometimes i miss her and then ill think of her, i miss the feeling of smiling while reading my books but you know what? sometimes we must do something even if its hard on our part. i mean as of now this is the best way to let myself move on even though she still sent me message that she really misses me and that im still her angel, ive gotta keep distance on her, she's ok now and i dont wanna ruin that part. im really sleepy so i gotta keep going.