Life as of now

Ilang buwan na rin ang nakalipas. Ang dami ng nangyari. Honestly, sa mga oras na ito, naiisip ko kung nagrereview ba siya or nakatulog na. Malapit na kasi siyang magtake ng nursing board exam sa u.s. i hope she pass that exam she has waited long and exerted so much effort just to ensure she'll pass it. that's her dream after all. After all the dramas, heartaches and troubles we had during a couple of months we have decided to just be friends.. I still love her thou im just pretending im not. It is better this way i know its hard to pretend i dont love her anymore, its hard to pretend that i dont know she's inlove with other guy. Ye its hard but i just have to endure it. As long as she is happy with him its fine with me. What matters to me is her happiness not mine thou i still have a lot if regrets for all the things i have done. I will just be friend with her, supporting her all the way, never to leave her again, up until i can no longer take it. It hurts that once upon a time i had the chance, once upon a time i felt that she has feelings for me and then now it's all gone. well i deserve this after all..

I miss you very much ;(

Halos 3weeks na kitanf di nakakausap. Wala na kong balita sa kanya. Sana mapatawad niya ko sa biglaan kong di pagpaparamdam gusto ko lang hanapin ung sarili ko kasi naguguluhan nako and somehow nahihirapan. Miss na miss ko na siya, hindi ko alan kung pano magsosorry sa kanya nor kung pano ko siya imemessage. Hindi ko alam kung dadagdag pako sa stress niya kaya di ki rin alam kung dapat ko siya kausapin pero sana maging ok na ulet kami, na lagi kaming naguusap at lagi ko siyang nababantayan kahit nandito ako sa malayo. Kahit sobrang busy sa work di ko maiwasanf maguilty sa ginawa ko hayst. Sana bumalik na siya ;( kulang nakulabg ang buhay ko pag hindi ko siya nararamdaman laging malungkot walabg saya mas gusto ko pang nandyan siya:(

Random thoughts

Im here at our office. Currently listening to old songs while thinking of her. Its been a week already since i started to breathe for a while. I wonder what she's doing right now.. I miss seeing her on skype, her laughs, her voice.. I hope she's ok right now and doing fine there. It has been a rough days for me but every time i go to bed, she's still the last thought that always crosses my mind. She's still my best dream after all. I hope i could still see her again.

Mamimiss kita ng sobra kapag wala ka na..

Nalalapit na ang pag-alis niya, luha sa aking mata'y di ko na mapipigilan pa, sa kaunting panahon na siya'y aking nakasama, labis na ligaya ang dinulot niya sa buhay kong walang sigla... eto ba epekto ng mesakit na malungkot napaparyhme? haha lol.... napuyat na nga ko kakaiyak kagabi heto na naman po tayo haha tsss ang babaw ng luha ko maiisip ko palang na aalis na siya at may posibilidad na hindi ko na siya makita.. kung sana mas maaga ko siyang nakilala... haixt.. kahit anong gawin ko hindi ko maikakaila sa sarili kong ngayon lang ako nahirapan ng ganito, alam kong simulat simula pa darating ang araw ng aalis siya at hindi na siya babalik, hindi ko lang lubos na inakalang magiging sobrang hirap pala nito para sa akin.. siya ung pinakamagandang nangyari sa buhay ko at kahit san man ako makarating, kahit ilang taon mang lumipas, mananatili siyang may magandang parte sa puso ko, hindi ko lang alam kung papaano ako magpapatuloy... mamimiss ko talaga siya ng sobra sobra, ung mga kwentuhan namin, ung mga times na kahit ang tagal at least nakikita ko but this time this is different. hindi na lang buwan ang hihintayin ko, kundi taon para makita siya o mas masaklap baka wala na talagang chance na makita ko siya ulet.. mamimiss ko talaga siya ;( pusang gala naman naiiyak na naman ako haha

Para sa iyo...

Kasalukuyan kong kinakain itong cake na dinesign ko para sa iyo hehe.. Kung nababasa mo ito Goretti, i guess nagkaroon na ako ng lakas ng loob magsabi sa iyo.. Honestly mas gusto ko sanang personal ko itong sabihin, na kaharap kita, na nakikita kita, naririnig ko boses mo at nakikita ko ang exrpression ng iyong muka, at para malaman mong seryoso ako sa mga sinasabi ko at hindi ako nagbibiro.. kasi gusto kong malaman mo ang tunay na nararamdaman ko para sa iyo, eh kaso siguro ganun nga talaga ang buhay, mukang hindi na talaga kita makikita.. .. for the past 8 months, simula nung nakita ko ung pic mo, sinabi ko sa sarili kong gusto ko laging masaya itong babaeng ito, naisip ko papaano kaya? milya milya ang layo niya sa akin, but then again kung sobrang importante sa iyo ang isang tao, hindi ka mauubusan ng paraan para maramdaman niyang importante siya, at sa tingin ko naiparamdam ko naman sa iyo, for the past 8 months, naging isang malaking kang bahagi ng aking dasal lagi kong dinarasal kay Lord "Lord sana po ingatan niyo po si Goretti, alagaan niyo po siya para sa akin, sana lagi siyang masigla, sana lagi siyang masaya, at kung malulungkot po siya, sana makaya niyang lagpasan ang mga problema at sana may mga taong darating para patawanin siya, sana po ilayo niyo siya sa mga taong sasaktan lang siya, kasi ako Lord hirap na hirap akong mag-isip ng gimik para lang mapangiti ko siya kahit ang layo ko, sana Lord mabigyan ulit ako ng chance makita ko siya at makasama, kahit saglit lang napaka laking halaga na po nun sakin, mabait po siya Lord, and she deserves the best in life kaya wag niyo po siyang pababayaan. Amen"

Noong time na nasa airport ka, and i had to say goodbye, dun ko narealize na ayaw kitang dumaan lang basta sa buhay ko, gusto ko magstay ka, kasi simula nung nakilala kita, naging masaya ulit ako, ung simpleng nakakausap kita, simpleng pagtyaga mo makinig sa mga walang kakwenta kwentang jokes at banat ko, simpleng usap natin gabi gabi, sabi ko sa sarili ko, gagawin ko lahat magstay ka lang sa buhay ko at hindi ako papayag na hindi kita makita, then i decided na magsummer job, i decided na sa birthday mo pupuntahan kita at isusurprise kasi that might be the last time na makikita ulet kita dito sa pilipinas.. sabi ko hanggat nandito ka, gagawin ko ang best ko hanggat kaya ko pang mageffort para sa iyo.. dahil noong sinabi mong aalis ka na at hindi ka na babalik, honestly naiyak ako dun, kasi sabi ko bakit ganun? ang layo mo na nga, lalo ka pang lalayo, pero ganun talaga ang buhay.. ginawa ko lahat ng pagtitipid sa work para lang makaipon, sandamukal na overtime, nakakapagod sobra, but then kapag naiisip ko nun na makikita ulet kita, sabi ko worth it lahat ng pagod ko.. and then one day, nagsabi ka sa akin, may nagkakagusto na sa iyo, na sabi mo may pag-asa siya, na sabi mo kung mas malapit siya, mas masaya ka sana.. nung kachat kita nun umiiyak nako nun ang sakit pala, sabi ko hindi pa naman siguro huli ang lahat, nandito ka pa naman sa pilipinas pwede pa akong magsabi sa iyo, sabi ko papalipasin ko lang ang board exam mo at aamin na ako kasi ayokong bigyan pa kita ng dagdag iisipin... sabi ko sana at least malaman mo lang nararamdaman ko bago ka man lang umalis.. 

And now the time has come, after mo malaman to, sana hindi ka magbago, sana maalala mo pa rin ako pag umalis ka na, na may isang Ronel Battad na ginawa lahat ng best niya makita at mapasaya ka lang kasi Mahal na Mahal ka niya, kasi Mahal na Mahal kita Goretti kaya nagawa ko lahat ng iyon, alam kong hindi ka pa pwede magboyfriend at diniscourage mo ako nun kasi sabi mo baka mabusted lang ako, well wala na akong pakialam dun, magustuhan mo man ako o hindi, ang importante sa akin napasaya kita kahit papaano, kapag dumating iyong time na ready ka na at pwede ka ng ligawan, babalik ako magpaparamdam ulit ako, maghihintay akong dumating iyong time na iyon kasi habang buhay ka ng may malaking puwang sa puso ko, at kung wala talaga akong chance para sa iyo, masakit man pero tatanggapin ko, kung hanggang kaibigan lang talaga ako wala akong magagawa dun, pero sana sa tuwing maiisip mo ako, sana mas maalala mo iyong mga times na napangiti kita.. Hanggang dito nalang, Mahal na mahal kita, sobra sobra... Naging masaya ulit ako ng dahil sa iyo, i never regret all the things i did, nahirapan man ako, seeing you smile makes it all worth it.. 

 Hindi ako super gwapo, hindi ako magaling sumayaw o kumanta, hindi ako marunong magluto ung unang beses kong nageffort magluto hindi ko pa naibigay sa iyo, hindi ako magaling magpatawa minsan kadalasan sablay pa, hindi rin siguro maganda ang kamay ko, hindi ako magaling maglagay ng wax sa buhok, hindi ako mapormang lalake, hindi ako ang ideal/best guy sa iyo... wala akong maipagmamalaki sa iyo, pero kung naghahanap ka ng guy, na mageefort at walang sawang magpaparamdam sa iyo kung gano ka kaganda, andito lang ako, hindi ako aalis sa tabi mo, kahit malayo ako, kahit hindi kita nakikita, lagi lang akong nandito.. If ever na makakatagpo ka ng guy na mamahalin mo, choose the best guy, ung 100x na better sakin, na ung mas magaling magsurprise sakin, at mas mapaparamdam sa iyo kung gano ka niya kamahal, I wish you all the best in life Goretti, You deserve the best, after all gaya ng naikwento ko sa iyo dati, im just a servant, not a prince charming, but for me you're my princess, you're my everything... Happy happy Birthday sa iyo, wala kong ibang hinangad sa pang araw araw kundi maging masaya at ok ka.. Mahal kita, sobrang mahal kita.. Ang importante sa akin, mapasaya lang kita.. salamat sa lahat and sorry sa mga nagawa kong mali sa iyo.. Ngayong alam mo na, i hope walang magbago.. kasi ako hindi ako magbabago, maghihintay ako hanggang sa time na ready ka na at payagan ka na ng parents mong maligawan, hindi ko alam kung gaano katagal but i will always stay.. 

my random thoughts

it has been a while since i last posted here in my blog. in just a few weeks ill soon be leaving my university. actually tinatamad ako mag ingles haha :)) naaalala ko pa rin ung time na umalis siya haha nak ng kamote, kelan kaya siya babalik? makikita ko pa kaya siya? galit pa kaya lola niya sa akin? i really dont know the answers to my questions, somehow i am still afraid, very afraid... specially when im thinking that she will migrate to california for good on october, yap the month of my board exam..i dont intend to be at that situation of just waiving my hand as i slowly say goodbye to her at the airport.. i dont want to experience that pain when i slowly walked away from her and i just cant do anything but to watch her from a distance.. that was a very painful experience saying goodbye from a distance.. everytime i look at our pic in my wallet i always remember her laughters her beautiful face, her nice smile, it was just a 3hr of being with her talking random stuffs but i cherished those short time being with her because hindi ko naman lagi siyang kasama and i fear we wont be together for a long time again since aalis na siya for good.. gusto ko pa sanang makipagkwentuhan sa kanya ng mas matagal, i want to go out with her...  i want her to be my queen...

my super merry christmas :)

december is the most busiest, most tedious and most tiresome month in my calendar haha. so much activities, so much love things to do and in addition to that i still have to study somehow. let me start my story by telling you how my very special christmas gift was made. I started doing my gift during the last week of november and i finished it last December 13 almost 3weeks of sleeping 3-4hrs haha. i spend almost a wooping 1500 pesos just for the materials on that and i cut many papers just to finish it. i really dont know how i finished it considering i had so much work to do, maybe it was just a mere sacrifice, yap i had sacrifice some events in our org, my studies, my sleep and my time because that gift was really very important to me. i want her to remember me and i want to make her happy and feel that even thou im very far from her i can still make her happy, i can still do so much effort just for her because i like her, because i care so much for her, i dont know if shell love me or not, i will just hope and pray someday she will but for now i just want to make her feel special. December 13 was also the day when i sent my gift to lbc for delivery, yap it was a very tiring day because we had an activity at that time and i was pissed off because im very tired of walking and walking and walking but when i started to put my gift on the box and writing her name with address on it, my day became so at peace, when i was in lbc, i dont know what to do haha because that was the first time i will deliver something, but luckily it was a simple process. i was surprised when the lady told me to opened the box, when i opened it she viewed all my works haha i was shy at that moment specially seeing my work being viewed by others haha but at last i received my receipt marking the end of my christmas project, i just went to the computer shop texted her that i already delivered my gift for her. and that was the end of my long 3 weeks of hardwork and a lot of sacrifice. i woke up the next day with a lot of goodvibes, i texted her that she try to drop by at the lbc if my gift was already there. afterwards late at noon, she texted me saying she had already received the box and it was heavy haha i really literally jumped into my seat because i was at the computer playing dota at my house then, i called her dont know what to do then run back and forth from the window to the back place to the window haha. she told me why was it very heavy i said secret dont open the box yet, i joke that there's a rabbit inside haha then finally i allowed her to open the box, i was listening carefully how he unwrap it afterwards she said there's so many plastic and box haha then when she finally saw my gift she said aw, and she started crying and said so sweet of me and that i was nakakainis haha. i apologize because there were no drawing and stuff but she was crying i can hear her, she even said droplets of tears are falling to my gift she said thank you very much then she read my message she was so happy at that time i can feel it, she really appreciated my gift, we talked i explained, i told her she's my crush and she was speechless, i can no longer recall every words she said but i can recall the feeling of so much happiness inside of me because she really liked my gift, , i was so happy, all my efforts were not wasted, she even told me her mama told that i am such a sweet guy. ill never forget that day, hearing her laugh, hearing her how surprised she was and hearing her cry, not because of sadness but because of happiness. and i thank the lord he gave me strength to finished that haha. until now we are good friends, calling her often texting her, she is such a nice lady and now im planning to pursue her even more, i have started doing my surprises next year because i want to give efforts to her now that she is still in the philippines, ill make her the most special lady in my life, ill make her feel that she's the pretties in town :) i really love her and ill do anything to make her stay. merry christmas to her, and thak you lord for having her as very wonderful gift to me as my light as my friend, and as my hope :)